It has been a trying first week at the V. And there’s so much to say and reflect and learn from. But if I can summarize my biggest failures – true, avoidable failures – and try to learn from them, I would say that I need to: “Stop and think.”
Now, I am famous for overthinking. My high school teacher once said that I have a predilection towards pre-traumatic stress disorder. No one who knew me would say I think too much.
But in many ways, the regrets and moments I keep coming back to in my mind over these last few days and this past year centers on becoming scared, getting caught up in the moment of an urgency or emergency, getting tongue-tied when talking to attendings, etc and just purely reacting. Just instinctive and memory. Except I haven’t developed the right instincts or right memories to draw upon and so I do or say stupid shit. Careless shit. Shit that if I stopped and took in a deep breath and just thought, it wouldn’t come out of my mouth.
I can only assume this happens or happened to other interns. But even if it’s an par for the course, this is my biggest challenge to overcome to become a good resident or even a good doctor.